EMOTIONS ON HOLD
The approach relies on rational, logical requests and acting on intelligence rather than emotions, Tupy says. It's a tall order.
"I coach people to try to put their emotions on hold. In many of these situations, it's a very difficult thing to do."
But when people do act on their emotions, it makes things worse.
Nine of 10 of Tupy's coaching clients are men. She attributes the gender imbalance to men's tendency to wait for marital crisis before they take action. And unlike women, many men feel they have no one to talk to. But sadly, by the time scorned spouses seek help, some already have made damaging mistakes.
Take Brad, whose wife took up with a co-worker. He and his bride had been married less than a year when she complained he wasn't a good listener.
"She said we didn't talk. We just watched TV," says the 29-year-old Web site designer, who asked that his last name be withheld.
He didn't think all that much about it until the night she tiptoed into the house at 3 a.m. It was the start of an occasional pattern, he says. But until he put all the pieces together, she denied having an affair.
"I knew something was up," he says. "We were talking less, and I could see she was unhappy. Then, I looked through her e-mails and discovered she was talking with a co-worker. I was shocked."
As do most people who learn of a spouse's infidelity, he acted first on his emotions.
Since seeking support on www.marriagebuilders.com, reading books and a series of coaching sessions with Tupy (www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com or 877-416-2657), he subscribes to a gentler approach. He phones his wife regularly to initiate upbeat conversations - minus any mention of her affair, though it hasn't ended. He has invited her to come home and promised not to emotionally torture her again. Their relationship is "on hold," he says. He's not sure how things will turn out.
"I've told her I'm still here for her," he says. "I'm still her husband. The No. 1 thing I've realized is I can't change her mind or make her leave this person. The thing I can do is make changes in myself. If she comes home, she'll see the changes in me. And regardless of how our marriage turns out, I'll be a better person." |
|
Her list of Do's:
| • |
Confront your spouse with what you know about the affair, derived from phone records, credit-card charges or other evidence. |
| • |
Talk honestly about how your spouse's unfaithfulness makes you feel. |
| • |
Express your love and your wish to continue the marriage. |
| • |
Tell your spouse you're willing to try whatever is necessary to be the partner he or she really wants. |
| • |
Insist on a reasonable degree of accountability for such things as time away from home and monetary expenditures. |
| • |
Ask that your spouse's contact with his or her lover stop. |
| • |
Ask your spouse to leave if the request isn't met. |
Her list of Dont's:
| • |
Don't ask, "How dare you?" |
| • |
Don't ask, "Have you lost your morals?" |
| • |
Don't ask, "Have you gone crazy?" |
| You get the picture. |
TAPPING RESOURCES
Women as well as men are finding support from the network of resources. Most who seek help are the spouse who's being cheated on.
A woman who posted a letter on www.divorcebusting.com tells of finding strength online while her husband carried on a four-month affair. It was excruciating for her, but she believes her calm, patient approach helped save her marriage.
"I found myself thinking about how he betrayed me from sunup to sundown," she wrote. "Then, it was a few times a day. Now, it is every three or four days."
It's not a subject she discusses with her husband, who has ended his affair. She has vowed not to bring up the past or to intensify his guilt in any way.
"Deep down in my soul, I knew from the moment he said he wanted out that what he really wanted was for me to listen to him," she wrote. "At this point, we are stronger than we've been in a long time."
|
